Yes, on the surface this was just a silly little competition, but it was really so much more than that.
I've always wanted to go through the entire Smolov squat cycle, but have only ever done the base cycle. The reason to complete the entire cycle was a contest to try to out squat the 173kg that 71kg female lifter Aria Bremner hit last year.
This experiment began on 1/7/19. 42 years old, 69kg body weight, 130kg estimated max Back Squat. No real training since February 2018, just an occasional workout, no real squatting. Lifetime best squat of 205kg at 64kg body weight in the early 2000s. The entire goal of the cycle was to hit 174kg. 44kg in 13 weeks, to beat a girl. So much wrong with the entire premise, but I said I could while many said I could not.
I really did not look forward to the cycle. I wanted to do it because I never had, but I REALLY did NOT want to do it. I did, however, REALLY want to win.
The predominant mindset during the 13 weeks was not "should I do it", "can I do it", "will I do it", or "do I want to do it"? Rather, it was "I have to do it". In my mind, I left no choice. I simply had to do it. Why? Multiple reasons:
I hate losing
I hate failing
I said I would, therefore I must
I did not want to hear what would be said upon failing, or worse yet, quitting
How can I lead, if not from the front
People said I couldn't, so I have to
People said I could, so I can't let them down
People needed reminding that I once was an athlete
I had to prove what I preach daily, that you CAN do what you TRULY believe you can do
For all these reasons, I had no choice. It had to be done. This mindset is what drove me through every squat session. I did not WANT to do a single session, but I HAD to. The last 4 weeks was absolutely terrifying. Looking at the daily programmed numbers literally caused fear and anxiety. I lost sleep thinking about what I had to do the next day. I had to go back into a dark place that I had not been since my competitive days. Missing reps during the 1st week of the final Intense cycle caused doubt. I had to hit the daily numbers on the sheet, or I would not hit my goal, and I can't make the reps on the first week?
The pain in the legs the last 3 weeks caused serious doubts about the outcome, but I was now hitting my reps. Every rep of each heavy set was done anticipating a serious injury, but I was still making them. The knee tweak on the last heavy day the week prior to the final max made me question a lot of things, but again, I had no choice, and I was still hitting my reps. So many people said I couldn't do it, so naturally I said "watch me". Only a catastrophic injury was going to prevent me from hitting the goal, and I waited for it to happen every session.
The entire cycle, I trained primarily alone, in the morning or early afternoon. Last minute, everyone wanted me to do the max at 6:30pm, in front of a crowd. Great, my body normally starts slowing down at that time, so that was another thing to cause doubt. But again, no choice. It still has to happen, and the crowd will boost the adrenaline.
4:30pm, day of, I start getting anxious. I began pacing a lot while coaching the other athletes in the gym, trying not to, but starting to think about having to make it happen. 6pm, took ibuprofen, put Tiger Balm all over the knees, began general warmup, and turned on the music of choice. Historically, I have trained while listening to Broadway musicals, such as Les' Miserables and Phantom of the Opera. Today, it is Les' Mis. For whatever reason something about it reaches me very deep inside. I get lost in it. A gym full of noise, distraction, and shit talking goes silent. There is only me, this amazing story performed by extremely talented artists, and my task at hand.
Before each heavy attempt, I get up, walk a lap around the inside of the gym, and zero my thoughts into what I have to do. Sit back down, wrap the knees, get up, grab the belt, embrace the nerves, tighten the belt, harness the adrenaline, and go. Each attempt builds more confidence. It feels light, it feels fast, and there is no pain. 6:45pm, success.
As I said before, for everyone on the outside, this was just a silly, fun competition. But for me, it became my "it". Whatever you decide your "it" is, if you dedicate yourself 100% to getting "it", you can. If you decide nothing will stop you, you can make "it" happen. Regardless of what the outside world thinks, what matters is what you truly believe. Regardless of how important, or unimportant "it" may be to everyone else, if "it" is that important to you, then go do "it". Do what you believe you can do, and don't let anyone change your mind.
What is your "it"?
Thanks to everyone for indulging me during this little saga. Hopefully someone finds some relevance, and can apply it to their own situation. I especially appreciate everyone at the HWC for getting me back under the bar. It felt great.